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"Holmes Opening An Amusement Park."

Today marks the opening of the landmark amusement park based on Sherlock Holmes. Just weeks after its announcement and ground-breaking ceremony, the park was officially opened to the public. Addressing already present concerns about the safety of the park, Holmes said, "I had my nephew personally test all of the rides and he only broke one bone." After being told that one broken bone is not a good track record for amusement park rides, Holmes said, "it's not like it was an important bone. I think it was one of the baby ribs."

"Sherlock to Take Flight...Again."

Sherlock Holmes has announced his plans to join the new age of space exploration through his own privately funded civilian space flight program. Using proprietary rocket and shuttle technology, developed by Holmes himself, the program aims to beat its competitors to the stars. "Richard Branson thinks he's so great," Holmes said, "but his ship can only reach the sub-orbit. Mine on the other hand will be going to the moon." While the cost to consumers has yet to be announced, Holmes seems to think he's already ready to lift off. "Bring on the rich guys. We can blast off tomorrow," Holmes said.

"Chicks love guys with jetpacks."

Sherlock Holmes is in the hospital, recovering from injuries resulting from a botched attempt to circumnavigate the globe using only a homemade jet pack. Through a muffled mask of gauze, Holmes said, "I probably shouldn't have tried to start the jet pack with the booster's thrust set to eleven." Though he was unsuccessful in his trip around the world, Holmes has become the record holder for highest human powered homemade rocket launch in history. When asked if the accident would deter him from future attempts, Holmes responded, "do porcupines make good pillows?" Then his eyes rolled back in his head and he passed out.

"Sexy Models Needed...Doubt You'd Make the Cut."

At an impromptu press conference yesterday, Sherlock Holmes announced plans for his first foray into the fashion world. He unveiled designs for his new line of trench coats under the brand: Lockouture, stating, "London Fog's got nothing on these stylin' threads." He sighted things like the lack of pockets large enough to hold sticks of dynamite as the impetus for his new venture. He also informed reporters of plans for a fashion show in Milan, set to take place next month. "Unfortunately, I couldn't find any models handsome enough to model my coats. So, I'll be modeling all of them myself," Holmes said of the impending show.

"When will we learn to stop ticking this guy off?"

At the unveiling of his wax likeness at Madame Tussauds, Sherlock Holmes flew into a fit of rage after finally seeing what his statue looked like. Onlookers said that moments after the curtain was pulled off of the statue, Holmes headbutted it in the chest, shattering it into dozens of pieces. While being lead away by security, Holmes was heard shouting, "That looked nothing like me. Who did you get to make it? Stevie Wonder?"

"There's a new Sheriff in town"

This past Monday, embattled actor Charlie Sheen appointed Sherlock Holmes to position of Chief of Sheen Security (Sheenurity). With all this recent media attention, Sheen called on his long time party pal Sherlock Holmes to beef up his security team. "He's winning just like I am, so it just felt right. In fact, The Lock was one of my original goddesses, so I know he has what it takes to put up with my demands," Sheen said in a recent interview with a nervous Roberts Elementary 5th grade reporter, Kelly Rounds. In regards to Sir Holmes' security detail, Mr. Sheen reported that people caught taking pictures of him will now pay the price which he said consisted of name calling, spitting and pantsing. When asked, Sherlock responded in between sips of his Mountain Berry Blast Capri Sun, "Sheen, aka C-Sheezy, and I go way back. He's crazy and rich and that's cool with me."

"The Lock caught hot tubbing with another woman. Anderson goes crazy"

Sherlock Holmes, frequent man of the night for Pamela Anderson, was caught by photographers taking a soak in a Ramada Inn hot tub with an unidentified woman. Blaring Justin Bieber out of a jambox and cooking sausages on a Little Smokey grill, police were called to the scene where Holmes was clothed and placed under arrest.

Upon learning about the arrest for noise violation (mainly beause it was Justin Bieber music), Anderson was quoted as saying, "I thought it was taking a long time for him to buy fireworks."

Holmes is out on bail and his publicist released a statement from the sleuth simply stating, "eat it."

"Holmes storms off set of The View, calls Barbara a 'Tart' "

On the recent promotional tour for his movie "Sherlock Holmes: Shepherd's Lie," world famous detective, Sherlock Holmes, blew his cool on daytime's most beloved round-table of intellectual thinking, The View. When pressed about his troubled childhood by long-time tear-coaxer, Barabara Walters, Holmes went on the deffensive, throwing his Yogurt Yum Fruit Smoothie against the stage's backdrop and screaming at her. "Just because you’re ultra hot, doesn’t mean you can manipulate me, you tart!"

He then stormed off the stage, only after tripping on someone’s purse and yelling, "Doo-doo!"