The Sherlock Holmes Blog
Thoughts to live by (or to just read and then dismiss)
Check back weekly to read new revelations from the world's greatest detective and championship barbecue chef.
Music is life, man
I don't have much downtime, you know because of the crime fighting and whatnot, but when I do have time, I like to work on my music. People may not know, but along with being the world's best detective, I'm also a guitar virtuoso and accomplished lyricist. I've been working on some deep stuff for my next set of tunes – songs like "Like a Magnifying Glass to My Soul" and "You're Pistol-whipping My Heart Again." Think John Mayer songs and vocals with guitar work from Slash, and you'd be halfway to realizing how awesome these tunes are. You'll hopefully be able to hear them soon at a Baker St. location. They don't let me perform inside, but you can catch me out in the parking lot.
I'm Looking for a Pet Sidekick
Watson is taking a sabbatical for his cosmonaut training. I figure I wouldn't lose much of a step by replacing him with an animal. I tried to get my cat, General Meow, to go on missions with me, but he scratched me up every time I tried to put a little tweed coat on him. So, I'm thinking of either going with a dolphin or an anteater. The dolphin would be awesome in water warfare, but I'd have to make it some kind of dolphin wheelchair for when it's on land. And the anteater. Well, I think anteaters just generally freak people out. They look like they're made from spare parts of other animals. It would be like my own personal Frankenstein monster sidekick.
Gator Wrastlin'
A question I get asked a lot is whether or not I know how to wrestle alligators. The short answer: yes. The long answer: duh, check out this gator wrestling championship belt. Inevitably, the next question is if I give lessons.
The only time I give lessons is if the president specifically asks or if the court mandates it as part of my community service, but I'll throw you guys a bone and give you a few pointers anyway.
*Note: These techniques are only to be used in case of emergency. Don't go looking for fights with alligators just because you can.
- Always roll up the sleeves of your trench coat before going into battle.
- If given the chance, go for the eye gouge. Gators hate that.
- If you're caught in a death roll, then you've lost. Pull out your pocketknife and cut off whichever limb the gator has hold of.
Serving the Community with Community Service
As part of my community service for accidentally blowing up that nunnery, I'll be hosting a series of car-pimping sessions in the parking lots of Bakers Street Pub locations in the near future. I'll be offering two services to you losers. You can pick one of the two. I'll either give your car a new custom paint job, of my choosing of course, or I'll convert your crappy car into a bitchin' drop top. I’m like an awesome amalgamation of Bob Vila and Bob Ross, so there's no doubt your ride will look pretty boss when I get done with it. Consequently, if any of you have access to house paint or a sawzall that I can borrow, let me know.
It's time for some real football
It's looking like there may not be pro football played this year, which is fine with me. Fewer people who make more money than me in a year. More importantly though, it gives me a chance to finally make my vision of the perfect football league a reality.
My league is basically the same as the football that everyone knows and loves, only better. First of all, there will be no age restrictions for the league. Are you a freakishly gifted 10-year-old? Bring it on. Also, every team will be required to have no less than five women on its roster. The biggest difference in my league is that the regulation football that teams must play with will weigh seven pounds. Now you can call the ball a rock and it will mean something.
Tryouts will be held around the country in the coming weeks. So, keep your eyeballs peeled—or I'll do it for you.
You know what's better than working as a famous person?
I'll tell you. NOT working and still being a famous person.
Shepherd's Lie, as I'm sure you've heard, was recently voted the "Finest British Film Ever Made in the U.S. About Austin". Translation for the slow people: I'm rich and famous. Still keeping up with my detective work – as long as there are turds like Dr. Hurricane out there, I never STOP working, but the rich and famous thing is nice. Remember how we all used to light stuff on fire in our backyards? Now I get to light big stuff on fire. I bought 17 puppies last weekend, put them in a huge box, and...gotcha. But I really did have a huge bonfire and melted stuff.
Another perk: the ladies. As you may have heard, Sharon talks...a lot. She'll always be my number 1 girl, but man, the options now, and these ladies don't talk nearly as much. Sharon's always trying to teach me stuff – why I shouldn't eat boogers, why it's dangerous to stare at the sun...what's up with that? I'm on a nice rotation for girls 2 through 5 that includes some names you may have heard of. So far, only one has turned me down, and I think it's because she's still hacked I walked out on her show. Barbara, if you're reading this, I'm reserving my number 2 spot for you. XOWXOW (the W stands for wink and the gun – kiss, hug, wink and the gun, kiss, hug, wink and the gun)
I'll leave you with this. I'm a generous person. I like to share my wealth. I've started a foundation for the manatees that I injured in my previous post. I bought all of you guys beer for my birthday last month. Turns out that the folks at Sherlocks/Baker Street Pubs are huge fans (who isn't?). Their people contacted my people last week and things are in motion...beautiful things that will make you very happy and potentially quench your thirst on my dime.
I'm heading back to Jersey. The Situation, Vinnie and I have big plans for tonight that involve candlewax, M-60s and push-ups. The Lock...Out.
I want some action.
It's a new year. That means it's time for me to blow your minds with some straight up reality from "The Lock" tip. Ready, dorks? Here it is: "Action speaks louder than words."
You heard me. ACTION speaks louder than words.
Kicking a dude in the f-iz-ace or blowin' up . . well . . . anything . . . is better than trying to talk to somebody. "Excuse me, ma'am, you dropped your glove." LAME! Just blow up the glove. And then, kick the ashes away from her just to teach her a lesson about dropping her nasty, doily-infested gloves.
Check it, I'm awesome. That's undisputed. But here's the deal with being the world's most famous detective (aside from fighting off the Hilton sisters or Miley Cyrus). You gotta know when to hold 'em, you gotta know when to fold 'em—and more importantly, you gotta know when to blow 'em up or peel out in a parking lot.
Sure, actions like donating to a worthy cause are good. Giving to the less fortunate could be considered an action as well. Me? I like duct-taping a '72 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme with roman candles and driving through endangered animal reserves. WAKE UP, MANATEES!!! TIME TO GET MULTIPLYING!!
I save lives with my actions. Think about it, planet Earth (or anybody else that may be reading this).